Sometimes I get the feeling that I might be getting a handle on this life. Of course I really don’t know a thing though. I get into little conflicts with myself over abandon and selfishness, what I think I want and what I think is right.
Things can be terribly confusing for someone who thinks that they’re pretty happy with who they are. I mean I’m quite happy with who I’ve become over these years, and it puzzles me to think where I go next with this gig. Do I try and stay this way, or try and better myself and risk damaging the construct I’ve spent so long bringing together when it comes to self perception?
If you really want to complicate it all, you could always throw someone else into the mix. So what’s the deal there? How much autonomy do you need? If I back away is it because I’m protecting my sense of self, or because I’m selfish and don’t want someone else to have too much influence on something I’ve spent so long moulding into a shape I’m fond of?
Some people don’t want knowledge as much as they want certainty.
Certainty is what scares me, or maybe the illusion of certainty. The idea of diabolical routine, inescapable circumstance. The drum machine of life, every beat in time. And it doesn’t matter what kind of beat it is, or how loud. But if you know that it’s coming, just so, the magic is gone. Could you live in a world without horizons? Where you can see most everything heading your way?
Maybe I’m just so used to uncertainty that I’ve forgotten how to do things any other way.