Entries from November 2005 ↓

It’s all true.

Sometimes you wake up in bed and you get that feeling that you really shouldn’t get up today, so you pull the covers back over your head, go to sleep, and everything works out alright. Other times you can hide there until half past three in the afternoon and it won’t make any difference. You can bunker down as much as you like, but when you do get out of bed, that bad day is still there waiting for you.

It’s worse when it’s not just inside your head.

Strange would be to put it simply.

I know, having been here before and having experienced these feelings and gone through these steps, almost exactly what is going on. Reducing urges and emotions into physical terms and chemical reactions seems like mechanising the workings of the soul, but I’ve trod this path before, I know what’s going on, what’s coming next, and that it’s only a passing phase. Like all things, it will come and go. Convincing myself of this in the midst of these feelings however is a more difficult task.

Panic, fear, desperation, anxiety. All of these things manifest themselves in my mind, pulling my thoughts this way and that, confusing me and dragging me down into a dark corner, making me believe that it is just best to hide there and hope that it all just goes away, but for somewhere in the back of my mind the recollection that this is not new to me, and that I can not hide from it, let alone finish it that way.

The things that I am thinking are simply not real. These problems are not as monumental as they may seem and the measure between myself and resolution is not the abyss that it appears. I am fighting against a strawman. Block it out, move on, draw against it and keep kicking and hacking away. All you have to do is last it out.

How can you deny your senses?

Because there is simply no other way.